“Don’t Stop”

One of the hardest moments of my life was standing in the hospital room, watching the nurses and doctors performing CPR on my brother - them taking turns trying to save him.... while I prayed my soul out.... and then.... watching them stop... Me - Screaming for them not to stop... “No. No. No. Don’t stop.” ...wishing there was SOMETHING I could do - anyone could do... tears flooding down my face... all oxygen left my body. I couldn’t breathe. I almost threw up... it broke me to see them stop trying... I couldn’t understand or believe this was happening... and then... eventually everyone left the room. 

I climbed in the stretcher with my brother and just held him in my arms (breathing him in, knowing it would be the last time I’d hold him, touch him, see him)... I laid my head on his chest, wrapped my arm around him, and I stayed... until someone finally made me let go... made me leave the room. I didn’t want to leave him there - alone. 

Days like today - it hits me so hard that I’m the one who was left alone. ♥️💔

Missing you like crazy: Mom, Dad, Brother

Blink.

I woke up this morning and it didn't take long for me to realize what day today is: November 11^th… my mother’s birthday. I smiled (faintly) at the realization. For a moment, I allowed myself to dream. I let my mind run free. As if I had one of those old children’s toys from the 80’s, the 3d View Master, I let each image flash through my mind. I would blink my eyes and it was like pulling the lever on the view master. The next image would appear and then, the next.

One moment we are out to dinner, just the two of us, talking and laughing. We are celebrating her birthday. We finish dinner and we hit the mall for a little shopping. Blink. We are on a beach. I have surprised her with a trip to the Bahamas for her birthday. We’re laying in the sun, soaking it all in, in a beautiful comfortable silence. We feel the sun on our skin and the wind in our hair. Blink. My mother’s eyes are blindfolded, quite loosely. It looks like Amil’s work. (smile) Yes. Amil, has a surprise for her _____ (well, I’m not sure what she would have called her, had my Mother still been alive to meet her... maybe “grams” “abuela” “grammy”?  I like the sound of “Grammy”. It has a nice ring to it.) So Grammy, it is. Blink. Amil is surprising her Grammy with a birthday cake she baked and decorated, all by herself. We are singing Happy Birthday and the smile on my mother’s face is brilliant and contagious. She had the most amazing smile and spirit. By now, tears are falling from my eyes. Blink. We’re all hanging out at my house. The house is full of love and laughter, silliness and jokes, peace and calm. My brothers are playing around, rough-housing as brothers do. I tell them all, James, Dominic, and Malik, to sit down somewhere before they break something. Yep. I’m still big Sis, even in my dreams. ;)  Mils and Niecey are playing with their barbies. They have been in that same spot, doing their dolls hair, for the past hour. (smile) And my mother and I are in the kitchen. We are making dinner together. We’re just talking and laughing, and out of nowhere, she stops and looks in my eyes, and says, “I love you, baby.” Blink. I decide I better put the view master away. My heart can’t handle much more.

Every Single Thing...

Initially, I felt it a double-whammy - - National Sibling's Day AND my brother's birthday? Wow. I marveled at the painful irony; but oh, that beautiful thing called perception. I decided to change mine. Instead of looking at the coincidence as a painful reminder that my brother is no longer here with me, I decided to smile in loving memory. I decided to smile, through my tears. Thinking, how appropriate that National Sibling's Day be celebrated on my dear sibling's birthday. ♥ Lord knows how much I love him, my kid brother. Always following me around. Always looking up to me... even when he grew to tower over me - he still looked up to me. Always there for me. He'd do ANYTHING for his sister. ♥ He had the BIGGEST HEART. We always LOVED one another. I am thankful that there was never a shortage of LOVE. We laughed so much. We could just look at each other and burst into laughter. His smile made me smile. He gave me the best hugs. He always cared so much about me. He made this so much harder for me because by being such an amazing little brother, he left such a big hole... so much for me to miss... and I do... I miss every single thing about him. I miss how he would laugh at his own corny jokes, whether you laughed with him or not - and you WOULD laugh with him. (smile) ... My daughter said the other day, she misses how he and I would hold her hands and make her jump when we walked... I miss that too. ♥ I miss watching action/super-hero movies with him. I miss cooking dinner for him. I miss spending the holidays with him. I miss remembering things with him. I miss the things we DIDN'T get a chance to do... We were planning to take a trip together... I miss that we never had the chance. I miss being his big sister. I miss it with every ounce of my being. I can truly say, I'm a better person because he loved me.

10 Years...

Sometimes I wish we could go back to this very moment... I wish we could do every moment we had together, all over again - but this time with the knowledge that we would NOT have a lifetime to experience each other's love. If only we'd known, our time would be cut short, we would have basked in every moment. How we would have held each other longer and more often... kisses... smiles... laughs...cuddles... every moment. So often, we take it for granted that we will always have our loved ones here with us... Unfortunately, for me, I know all to well that that just is not the case. I miss you so much. I miss James so much. My Mother. My Brother. We didn't have a lifetime together... I wish we did... but I truly thank GOD for every second we did have together. The LIFE we lived, and the love we shared, in the TIME we had - I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. Our love is unmatched.

As I sit here on the eve of my Mother's birthday, it is unimaginable to think it's been TEN years since I was last able to wish her a "Happy Birthday" in person. Ten years since the last time this day was celebrated joyously without a hint or trace of pain. Ten years since the last time I didn't feel a weight the size of a large elephant, on my chest. I sat here thinking of how this writing would go, which direction it would take... It hit me, I'd like to write you a letter. What would I say to you if you were here today? If I had one more chance to tell you all the reasons I will always love and cherish you, how I thank God for choosing YOU to be my mother, and how I've missed you so, over the last TEN years of my life... what would I say to you?

I am sure I would start by throwing myself into your arms and telling you how much I have missed you. How every moment of my life, even in the most joyous of occasions, I am acutely aware of your absence. I would surely share with you just some of the times/moments over the past ten years that I so desperately wish you could have been here for, with me, standing by my side, saying just the right thing at just the right time, as only Mother's can. Mommy, I wish you could have been here during the nine months I was pregnant with Amil. I don't know if I EVER felt your absence more than I did during those nine months, except maybe at her birth. Oh God, how I wish you could have seen her, just once. Held her... just once. Kissed her. Hugged her. Squeezed her. Changed her diaper. Fed her a bottle. Baby food. Giggled with me as she took her first steps. Shopped with me for her cute little baby clothes. Held my hand as I was in labor. Mom, I missed you so much. Every moment of being a mother, I miss you. So many questions I wish I could have asked you... I know you would have been such an amazing Grandmother... because you were such an amazing mother. I often wonder what Milly would have called you - Grandma? ... Grams? .... Grammy? .... My heart aches. It aches every time I think of the fact that you never got to lay eyes on your granddaughter. And what a beautiful granddaughter she is... Mommy, you would be so proud of her. She is such an angel. I know that she is a gift from God. He knew just how much I needed her in my life. Sometimes I wonder if you didn't whisper something in His ear... Something about how you knew I needed a little angel to watch over me, since you were there in Heaven with Him... And I know that He answered your prayer... What amazes me is that even though the two of you never met, her little heart, knows yours. I'm sure it's because I share little things about you with her here and there... But I can't tell you how much it touches my heart when she mentions you, her grandmother. It comes out of the blue... we may be walking in the park, and she will point out the red leaves on a tree and say, "Mommy, look at that tree. Your mommy would have liked it because her favorite color is red." ... or ... "I like chocolate just like your mommy liked chocolate, but you don't, Mommy." ... Or maybe it's the times she's walked in on me with tears in my eyes and has told me not to worry because we will see you in heaven one day... or "Mommy, I can't wait till we go to heaven to see your Mommy and Uncle James." .... Neither can I, baby. Neither can I. ............... But you see, Mom, even though you aren't here with us - you are here with us. She knows you and she loves you and that brings a special peace to my heart. We love you, Mommy.

April 10th... His birthday.

Today was a HARD day for me. My heart is heavy... April 10th - my brother's birthday. He would have been 23 today. 

I spent half the day imagining what we would have done if he were still here... I had plenty of ideas, but I settled on one. I would have taken him to the shooting range. :) I think he would have really liked it! I would have surprised him and I wouldn't have told him where we going. I can see the smile spreading across his face once he realized where we were and what we'd be doing... I can imagine us competing to see who shot the best. I know I would have won! ;) Come on... I'm the big sister. What other possible outcome is there? ... Well, I suppose I might have let him win, since it's his birthday. .... Maybe. ;)

I imagined what I would have bought him... I ALWAYS loved shopping for him. I imagined how he would have smiled so big, and said, "Thanks LaCrea"... and I spent the other half of the day, reminiscing on birthdays of old... To say I "miss" my brother barely touches on the hole left in my life, without him. I am so acutely aware of his absence. Oh, just to hug him... one more time.
I love you, Brother. Your birthday is truly a day worth celebrating. ♥ I miss you DEARLY. I wish we would have had more time... I miss your love, your voice, your smile, your laugh... I miss our relationship. Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine myself in your arms... I miss your hugs. ♥
In honor of my brother's birthday... please, LOVE hard. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you - daily. Appreciate the people God has placed in your life and make time for them. You can never spend ENOUGH time with the people you love. Don't let petty arguments separate you from your family. It's not worth it. Forgive. Love them. No one can replace them once they're gone. And you NEVER know when that day will come. 

Thank you for keeping me (and my family), in your prayers. They are still very much needed and appreciated. ♥

She's TWO today!! Happy Birthday, Daddy's Girl.

My niece was only 7 months old when she lost her Father. She won't get the chance to grow up creating memories with her dad... but those of us who knew him personally, whose lives he touched, we have memories of him. Memories that we can share with her, so that one day, she can get to know just a piece of the man her father was, through the memories and experiences each of you, had with him. If you knew my brother, if you loved my brother, even if you just met him in passing... I would deeply appreciate if you can share who he was to you, what you remember of him, your favorite memory... anything that my niece can read in the years to come, to help her remember James Wickliffe, her Father.











It is my hope to gather these memories for her and to make them into a book for her. A book that I can give her when she is older, that she can have and keep for the rest of her life. If you have any photos of my brother, I'd love it if you'd share those as well. You can email them to curlybynature83@gmail.com.
Please, CLICK HERE, to leave your memory/comment.
Thank you, in advance.



 

Two years ago, today, we were at the hospital. Alex, in labor, saying CRAZY things (smile), you (maybe also in labor, lol) trying to hold yourself together, not quite sure WHAT to do, and me thinking, "Wow, it IS just as hard for the people NOT in labor, as it is for the mommy!", the doctor telling us ALL to calm down, "and breathe".

We knew this little life was on the way, I don't think any of us knew how much of an impact she would make on our hearts. I remember seeing the tears water up in your eyes, as you laid eyes on your daughter... your daughter. I can only imagine all the thoughts that were going through your mind. I remember the way you held her... you were so delicate with her. She was so tiny in your arms... Daddy's little girl. Seeing you with her, made my heart melt.


As much as I have worried in life (as big sisters do) about you, from the moment she was born, I knew I would never have to worry about the kind of father you would be. You were the best, babe. You loved your little girl, and she knew it. I know you had so many plans and dreams for her, and I want you to know I will always be here for her and try my best to help in ANY way I can to make sure ALL of them come true.


There's so much I want to tell you; I know I haven't written in a while - later though. Today is all about Sonya. She's such an amazing little girl - you did good babe. As we wish her "Happy Birthday" today, I am thankful to you, for leaving with us such a special gift. We shall forever cherish her and shower her with love.

I love you Little Brother, with every ounce of my being. I miss you more than words could EVER express. So many thoughts are going through my mind... all of you. I'm imagining how the two of you would have spent this day... I'm imaging her little hand in yours. Daddy's little girl.

 

Happy Birthday, Niecey. I love you. Daddy loves you. And big cuzzy loves and misses you, too! She can't wait to see you again. Hopefully, we'll be seeing you real soon. Xoxoxo.

Happy Birthday to the BEST GIFT ever!!! You are loved, Sonya Marie, by SO many - but most of all, by Daddy (okay, I'm sure Mommy loves you lots too, we'll call it a tie). Although you and Daddy didn't have much time, you had so much love, and love never dies.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, endures all things...

                                   Love never fails. "

1 Corinthians 13:4-8



What a Laugh Can Do...

"I have seen what a laugh can do.

It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." - Bob Hope

I miss laughing with you. We would laugh until we cried. (smile)

Oh, we had some GOOD laughs.
I love the way the sound of your laugh would make ME laugh, even if nothing was funny... and then we'd both be laughing (hard) for no reason. You had such a beautiful laugh and smile.

I miss being silly with you. I miss playing with you.

I'm so glad the last night we spent together... we spent laughing. Remembering that night makes my heart smile. That's what I'm thinking about right now...

I'm loving you, I'm missing you, and I'm thinking of you.