My Brother's Keeper. A Sister's journal.: 10 Years...

Sometimes I wish we could go back to this very moment... I wish we could do every moment we had together, all over again - but this time with the knowledge that we would NOT have a lifetime to experience each other's love. If only we'd known, our time would be cut short, we would have basked in every moment. How we would have held each other longer and more often... kisses... smiles... laughs...cuddles... every moment. So often, we take it for granted that we will always have our loved ones here with us... Unfortunately, for me, I know all to well that that just is not the case. I miss you so much. I miss James so much. My Mother. My Brother. We didn't have a lifetime together... I wish we did... but I truly thank GOD for every second we did have together. The LIFE we lived, and the love we shared, in the TIME we had - I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. Our love is unmatched.

As I sit here on the eve of my Mother's birthday, it is unimaginable to think it's been TEN years since I was last able to wish her a "Happy Birthday" in person. Ten years since the last time this day was celebrated joyously without a hint or trace of pain. Ten years since the last time I didn't feel a weight the size of a large elephant, on my chest. I sat here thinking of how this writing would go, which direction it would take... It hit me, I'd like to write you a letter. What would I say to you if you were here today? If I had one more chance to tell you all the reasons I will always love and cherish you, how I thank God for choosing YOU to be my mother, and how I've missed you so, over the last TEN years of my life... what would I say to you?

I am sure I would start by throwing myself into your arms and telling you how much I have missed you. How every moment of my life, even in the most joyous of occasions, I am acutely aware of your absence. I would surely share with you just some of the times/moments over the past ten years that I so desperately wish you could have been here for, with me, standing by my side, saying just the right thing at just the right time, as only Mother's can. Mommy, I wish you could have been here during the nine months I was pregnant with Amil. I don't know if I EVER felt your absence more than I did during those nine months, except maybe at her birth. Oh God, how I wish you could have seen her, just once. Held her... just once. Kissed her. Hugged her. Squeezed her. Changed her diaper. Fed her a bottle. Baby food. Giggled with me as she took her first steps. Shopped with me for her cute little baby clothes. Held my hand as I was in labor. Mom, I missed you so much. Every moment of being a mother, I miss you. So many questions I wish I could have asked you... I know you would have been such an amazing Grandmother... because you were such an amazing mother. I often wonder what Milly would have called you - Grandma? ... Grams? .... Grammy? .... My heart aches. It aches every time I think of the fact that you never got to lay eyes on your granddaughter. And what a beautiful granddaughter she is... Mommy, you would be so proud of her. She is such an angel. I know that she is a gift from God. He knew just how much I needed her in my life. Sometimes I wonder if you didn't whisper something in His ear... Something about how you knew I needed a little angel to watch over me, since you were there in Heaven with Him... And I know that He answered your prayer... What amazes me is that even though the two of you never met, her little heart, knows yours. I'm sure it's because I share little things about you with her here and there... But I can't tell you how much it touches my heart when she mentions you, her grandmother. It comes out of the blue... we may be walking in the park, and she will point out the red leaves on a tree and say, "Mommy, look at that tree. Your mommy would have liked it because her favorite color is red." ... or ... "I like chocolate just like your mommy liked chocolate, but you don't, Mommy." ... Or maybe it's the times she's walked in on me with tears in my eyes and has told me not to worry because we will see you in heaven one day... or "Mommy, I can't wait till we go to heaven to see your Mommy and Uncle James." .... Neither can I, baby. Neither can I. ............... But you see, Mom, even though you aren't here with us - you are here with us. She knows you and she loves you and that brings a special peace to my heart. We love you, Mommy.

Other times I so desperately wished you were here: the day I received the acceptance letter into the Radiology program in College, the day I graduated, the day I bought my house - although it was a little like you were there because the first time we walked in the door, Amil pointed to a small red tree right beside our front door and said, "Yes Mom! We got the right house cause there's a tree like your Mom would have liked," in the hospital with James and Alex when Alex was giving birth to Niecey and James was barely holding it together (smile) - little baby Sonya, who James actually named after you, so your name lives on Mommy. And she is so beautiful as well. The sweetest thing. You have two of the most beautiful granddaughters one has ever seen - inside and out. ... Amil's 1st day of school... the 1st day I took her to daycare... when she lost her 1st tooth... Mommy, I wish you were here when I got engaged... when I tried on my 1st wedding gown... when choosing the songs we would dance to... and yes, especially when I made the decision to call the engagement off... On Mother's Day 2007 - when I dedicated my life to Christ, in April during our first SE MiniMeet.... this past summer when Dominic, Malik, and Niecey spent the summer with us... every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, every happy moment, sad moment, and every moment in-between...God knows I wished you were here on September 4, 2010, when my whole world was rocked... when I was crushed and my heart broken... but instead you were there to greet him, so he wouldn't be alone and neither would you... What I wouldn't do to have just five minutes of you, me, James, Dominic, Malik, Amil, and Niecey laying in a king size bed together just talking and laughing as we always used to do... I miss you.
But you know what, Mommy? In all of these moments, on some level, it's as if you WERE there... your quiet voice of wisdom in my heart. I thank God, for every moment you and I had together. I thank God for the very memory of your beautiful smile, which still brings joy to my life. I thank God for the memory of your laugh - just beautiful. Thank you so much for LOVING me as hard as you did every moment that you were here with me. Thank you for accepting NOTHING but the best from me. Thank you for ALWAYS encouraging me to do and to be anything I wanted. Thank you for ALWAYS standing by my side. You always said, "No one but Jesus could love you like I do." ... You were right, Mommy. Thank your for pouring in to me and raising me to be the woman that I am today. Your spirit truly lives on in me... and in the lives of your beautiful granddaughters. The lessons you taught me; I am trying my very best to teach them. The unconditional love you shared with me; I share with them.

Mommy, on your birthday, it is my sincere hope and prayer to give you the gift of doing your memory honor. I pray that the woman I am today would speak to the woman you were - the love you poured into me, the lessons you taught me, and the example you gave me everyday I spent with you. I pray that the woman Amil becomes, the woman Sonya (Niecey) becomes would speak to the woman you were. I pray that your spirit would live on in us. You are one of the biggest pieces of my purpose and everything I do and all that I am, I do in remembrance of you.

Philippians 1:3 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."

James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above..."

Happy Birthday, Mommy. I love you.