Blink.

I woke up this morning and it didn't take long for me to realize what day today is: November 11^th… my mother’s birthday. I smiled (faintly) at the realization. For a moment, I allowed myself to dream. I let my mind run free. As if I had one of those old children’s toys from the 80’s, the 3d View Master, I let each image flash through my mind. I would blink my eyes and it was like pulling the lever on the view master. The next image would appear and then, the next.

One moment we are out to dinner, just the two of us, talking and laughing. We are celebrating her birthday. We finish dinner and we hit the mall for a little shopping. Blink. We are on a beach. I have surprised her with a trip to the Bahamas for her birthday. We’re laying in the sun, soaking it all in, in a beautiful comfortable silence. We feel the sun on our skin and the wind in our hair. Blink. My mother’s eyes are blindfolded, quite loosely. It looks like Amil’s work. (smile) Yes. Amil, has a surprise for her _____ (well, I’m not sure what she would have called her, had my Mother still been alive to meet her... maybe “grams” “abuela” “grammy”?  I like the sound of “Grammy”. It has a nice ring to it.) So Grammy, it is. Blink. Amil is surprising her Grammy with a birthday cake she baked and decorated, all by herself. We are singing Happy Birthday and the smile on my mother’s face is brilliant and contagious. She had the most amazing smile and spirit. By now, tears are falling from my eyes. Blink. We’re all hanging out at my house. The house is full of love and laughter, silliness and jokes, peace and calm. My brothers are playing around, rough-housing as brothers do. I tell them all, James, Dominic, and Malik, to sit down somewhere before they break something. Yep. I’m still big Sis, even in my dreams. ;)  Mils and Niecey are playing with their barbies. They have been in that same spot, doing their dolls hair, for the past hour. (smile) And my mother and I are in the kitchen. We are making dinner together. We’re just talking and laughing, and out of nowhere, she stops and looks in my eyes, and says, “I love you, baby.” Blink. I decide I better put the view master away. My heart can’t handle much more.

It’s been 11 years now, since I lost my mother. People say it gets “easier”, yet even as I typed those words, “11 years”, I felt an ache coarse through my entire body. It’s not easy. Easy or any variation of the word “easy” is not one I would ever use to describe any part of the grieving process. I’m a daughter, without her mother. Every day affords me the opportunity to be reminded of that reality. I miss her more than words could ever begin to express. It’s HARD to live life, without her, especially on days like today. Special days and moments, holidays, happy days, and sad days… every day, I wish she was still here with me. I wish my brother was here, as well. I wish our family was whole and complete. I wish my heart didn’t ache the way it does.

Some moments are certainly harder than others and in those moments, I pray, “God, help me.” Sometimes, I can’t even get those three words out. In those moments, I just say, “Jesus.” He knows. And He comforts me. He holds me in His arms and He wipes my tears. He reminds me of how blessed I am. I HAD HER. I thank Him for blessing me with such a BEAUTIFUL loving woman, to be my mother. I thank Him for the almost 18 years we had together. I thank Him for every single moment. I thank Him for every hug, every kiss, every word, every memory, every lesson learned, and even every dream… I thank Him for the precious gift He gave this world on November 11, 1963. I thank Him for my Mother: Sonya Jean Washington. I thank God upon every remembrance of her. I pray that in some way, my life speaks to the amazing woman, she was. I pray that in some way, her life and legacy lives on through me. That is the only gift I can give her now. To carry her memory with me always and to live a life that brings honor to her name. I’m better, because she loved me. I know she can’t hear me, but it soothes me to say (type) it anyway, “I love you, Mommy. Happy Birthday.”