April 10th, 1989 - A Star Was Born

 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above..."  JAMES 1:17

Today was rough, to say the least (the very least). Your birthday. Today, I felt your absence in it's totality. On this day, 22 years ago, you became the Bonnie to my Clyde - or should I say, the Clyde to my Bonnie (smile)... my right-hand man. For the first six years of my life, it was just Mommy and I. Then you came along to join the party, and you made me a Big Sister. I took my job very seriously - ask anybody. I carried you around with me everywhere I went, like a rag doll. I was so proud to be your Big Sister (and I still am).

I spent half of today thinking of you and the other half, trying not to. I almost made it through the day without a "break-down"... My eyes filled to the brim with tears many times today, but somehow I managed to fight them back, each time. I really didn't have much of a choice, I had to, as I worked the majority of the day. Finally it came time to leave work. I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and the tears began to flow, slowly down my face... I exhaled and it felt like a pile of bricks fell from my shoulders, the dam crumbled, and the flood gates released. Every tear I'd managed to prevent from falling, every tear I'd fought back made it's debut - right there in my car. Eventually, it occurred to me that I was still in the parking lot of my job, and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to see me crying in my car - what a mess. I wiped my tears, pulled myself together (for the most part), and headed home. The thing is, today is your birthday, but if I'm going to share I may as well share the whole truth... this is not an isolated event. Frequently and unpredictably - it hits me. Sometimes it hits me in the morning, I wake up with a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat. On days like that, it takes all the energy I have just to get out of bed... You see, I'd much rather lay there and cry my heart out, cry until there is not a single tear left inside... But then sometimes it hits me, randomly throughout the day. A patient with the same birthday as yours, a person mentions the word "brother" in any context, a memory surfaces of you, I see a tall guy and think of you, walk past the Men's Dept in a store (think of you), drive past one of the restaurants we loved, movies we watched (or that I think you would have liked to watch), music, the quiet... it all comes back to you. Sometimes I can quickly get myself to think of something else, anything else... other times, like a few days ago, when I was in the dark room developing film, I am consumed with the thought of you and the pain is just too raw. Before I know it, my eyes have filled with tears, and they are streaming down my face. I stood there that day, at work, in the darkroom, and I could not stop crying. I miss you, so very much. 

I was talking with a very good friend of mine the other day... He asked me if I have been reading (my Bible). You see, that is a major aspect of our relationship (he and I). We encourage and challenge one another spiritually. We hold each other accountable.With that being said, you could imagine his surprise, when I told him I have not. I began to come to the realizations as to why I have not been reading as I was writing him. There are many reasons. Three that stand out are as follows:

1 - As I mentioned before, I exert quite a bit of conscious energy trying my best not to think of you, in an attempt to avoid the pain (and make it through the day). Reading/praying are two activities I cannot perform without thoughts of you crashing to the forefront of my mind.

2 - There is a wide range in the spectrum of emoti
ons that I feel in regards to losing you. One element, that I have yet to really touch on, is anger. I am angry, Brother. We did not have enough time. You. Me. Your baby girl. Your wife. There was so much more living for you to do. And yes, it makes me angry, furious even. I read, and perhaps I come across a miracle being performed, and I can't help but think, "Why not for you? (or even Mommy, for that matter)" and I get angry..... God knows my heart.

3 - When it comes to Him, I am transparent. He knows my heart. I can hide my emotions from people (sometimes!), I can push sad thoughts out of my mind (sometimes!), I can be "strong" (sometimes!), but the moment I speak to Him - I crumble. I put my head on my Father's lap, and I CRY out to Him. I am unable to hide the pain, unable to even pray about a single thing - other than you...
   For these reasons, it's been a challenge for

 me to pick up my Bible... to speak to my Father. Because to do so, means to face a reality that I have been trying hard to avoid. In my heart, I know that I am not truly angry at God, but at the circumstances. I know that even though I cannot understand why this has to be, that He is in control and that He loves us dearly.

Isaiah 57: 1-2 states, 

     “The righteous perishes,
      And no man takes it to heart;
      Merciful men are taken away,
      While no one considers
      That the righteous is taken away from evil.
       ² He shall enter into peace;
      They shall rest in their beds,
      Each one walking in his uprightness. ” 

You are at peace now, and I am trying my best to come to peace with that. So instead of being angry that we didn't have more time, I choose to be thankful for the time we did share (21 precious years). Instead of being angry at and/or blaming God for allowing this, for "taking" you away, I choose to thank Him, Brother, for loving us enough to send His only son to die on the cross, in order to make it possible for me to one day see you (and Mommy and Grandma) again. For that, I am forever Grateful. I cannot wait to see you again... to feel your arms around me and to rest my head on your chest. I'm going to log off now, and I'm going to read (think I'll start with the book of James), and I'm sure I will think of you, of how even in your absence you are still pushing me, still encouraging me to be my best, still looking up to me (even from above). It's your birthday babe, but today, as always, you are the greatest gift of all and I thank GOD for you. Happy Birthday James. I love you.

(It's in loving memory, that I remember my Grandma, Bobbie G. Washington, as today is also her birthday. I miss you too. I talked to Grandpa today, and he is doing well. I can only imagine how much he misses having you around. Again, we are thankful for the time we did have you here. Death is most surely the hardest part of life. I love and miss you. Kiss Mommy and James for me.)