Brother. I miss you.
It seems I begin many a post this way. I miss my brother so very much. I yearn for my him. My heart physically aches for my brother.
I have two of my favorite pictures of him on my dresser. There is one of him, Dominic, Malik, (my two youngest brothers) and Amil (my daughter), that was taken the summer before last... and the other is of him and our Mother which was taken years ago. The thing is though, I find myself consciously averting my eyes, as not to let my gaze fall on those photos. Sometimes, I am less aware and before I know it, my gaze lands upon his precious face (or hers) and I feel my heart and soul begin to caress the photos as if somehow, someway, if perhaps I look at them hard enough they will be here with me. If I hold them in my hands, perhaps I will feel them. Tears are instant. It happens at the oddest of times. One might think it would be easier to put the photos away - but I cannot bring myself to do any such thing. I am comforted by knowing that the photos are there... I just can't handle looking at them. It is very had to explain.
They say a picture says a thousand words... these pictures provoke a thousand tears. Tears at what could have been... all the memories that could have been made. I miss the simplest of things: a hug, a text, inside jokes, cooking and eating together, holidays, game night. I miss it ALL. Every moment. I miss my mother. I miss her so much. There's so much we never got the chance to do. So many conversations were never able to have. My own precious daughter was never able to meet her. And that hurts me to my core. She asks me questions about her from time to time. I once shared with my daughter that my mother's favorite color was red. Then the first time I took her with me to visit my mother's grave, (she was 5-years old at the time) I pointed out to her that she was buried right under neath this red tree.I shared with her that I'd chosen that spot for her because I knew she'd have liked the tree (now my brother rests there as well, right next to mommy). The following year, I bought a house. As my daughter and I were walking up to our new front door for the first time (keys in hand) she looks up thoughtfully, points, and says, "Look Mommy, YOUR mommy's favorite tree." Wouldn't you know, directly to the right of our door was a tree identical to the one over my mother's grave. The tree I'd mentioned to my precious daughter one time, over a year prior. My soul truly smiled. I held my daughter in my arms and we just sat there, on our porch, beside the tree. I know my mother would have been the best grandmother ever and she never got the chance. I dream of the relationship the 3 of us would have. Just to go grocery shopping with her... simple things, that so many take for granted. I miss laughing with her. I miss being able to climb in the bed with her. We would just lay there and talk and talk and talk. I miss her encouragement and understanding. I miss her wisdom. I miss her beautiful smile. I lost not only my mother, but my closest friend, my confidante, my counselor... the list goes on.
They say a picture says a thousand words... these pictures provoke a thousand tears. Tears at what could have been... all the memories that could have been made. I miss the simplest of things: a hug, a text, inside jokes, cooking and eating together, holidays, game night. I miss it ALL. Every moment. I miss my mother. I miss her so much. There's so much we never got the chance to do. So many conversations were never able to have. My own precious daughter was never able to meet her. And that hurts me to my core. She asks me questions about her from time to time. I once shared with my daughter that my mother's favorite color was red. Then the first time I took her with me to visit my mother's grave, (she was 5-years old at the time) I pointed out to her that she was buried right under neath this red tree.I shared with her that I'd chosen that spot for her because I knew she'd have liked the tree (now my brother rests there as well, right next to mommy). The following year, I bought a house. As my daughter and I were walking up to our new front door for the first time (keys in hand) she looks up thoughtfully, points, and says, "Look Mommy, YOUR mommy's favorite tree." Wouldn't you know, directly to the right of our door was a tree identical to the one over my mother's grave. The tree I'd mentioned to my precious daughter one time, over a year prior. My soul truly smiled. I held my daughter in my arms and we just sat there, on our porch, beside the tree. I know my mother would have been the best grandmother ever and she never got the chance. I dream of the relationship the 3 of us would have. Just to go grocery shopping with her... simple things, that so many take for granted. I miss laughing with her. I miss being able to climb in the bed with her. We would just lay there and talk and talk and talk. I miss her encouragement and understanding. I miss her wisdom. I miss her beautiful smile. I lost not only my mother, but my closest friend, my confidante, my counselor... the list goes on.
One lesson I have learned is:
YOU CAN NEVER SPEND "ENOUGH" TIME WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE...
But, you sure can try. Try Hard. Enjoy your loved ones while you have the chance. Prioritize and don't allow "busy-ness" to consume your time. Cultivate your relationships. Love proactively and enjoy every moment, because it really is a gift. Love... truly the gift that keeps right on giving. Thank God for love.
I love you Brother. I love you Mommy.
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