It's been a while, three months, to be exact, since my last entry. That is not a reflection of the number of times I've told myself I would write, and surely doesn't reflect how often you are on my mind and my heart. I think of you daily. I try to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied... but the moment things quiet down, thoughts of you, - memories - some good, some painful (like the day in the hospital), spring to the forefront of my mind. My heart aches. Each day that passes only further forces me to realize, on a more "real" level, that I have to live the rest of my life without you. My niece, your beautiful daughter, has to live the rest of her life, without you. Amil, without her big Uncle James... Everyone of us, that love you, everyone of us, that need you, we are left with our precious memories, but all the memories in the world cannot compare to being in your presence, to hearing your voice, your laugh, to seeing you smile, to holding you or vice versa. What I wouldn't do, for one more day with you... These realizations, and others like it, are too much for my heart to bear.
I want to tell you, I am so proud of you. I couldn't be more proud. Even by 21, you managed to do and accomplish SO much. You were the BEST husband and father that I've seen. You provided for your wife and your baby girl. There was nothing you wouldn't do for them, for any of us really. You were handling your business. I am proud of you. There are men twice your age, who can't say the same. I can only imagine the man you would've been at 31, 41, and even 51. Oh, there was just so much more life for you to live.
In the past few months, so much has happened. The holidays have come and gone. Thanksgiving was the absolute hardest for me. That was OUR holiday. That day, I realized YOU were always "home" to me. So I couldn't go home for the holidays this year. I didn't cook. I couldn't even imagine cooking Thanksgiving dinner and you not being there to eat (most) of it. (smile). I didn't want to celebrate that day at all. I wanted to lay in bed, and let it pass me by, but of course I couldn't do that - I had Amil to take care of and she needed me to be Mommy. So Amil and I went to see the movie "Tangled". The movie was actually quite good. She had a great time. You know she's happy with a bag of popcorn in front of her. I remember the popcorn thingy you and Alex got her for Christmas last year - she still loves it! Before I forget, one other thing stood out about that day... let's just say, you were right babe. All the times you said it, and I tried to convince you otherwise, you were right. There, you happy? I said it, "you were right." You know what I'm referring to. Now I see why that made you sad, it made me sad too Brother, and it made me miss you all the more.
Then came Christmas. Niecey and Alex were gone by this time (more on that later). We spent Christmas Eve with Tiffany and Raven. It was so clear, that our hearts were heavy (mine, very much so). I always loved shopping for you, Christmas or not. I always loved the look on your face when I got you something you really liked - the way your eyes would light up, brighter than the lights on the tree! Oh, and I remember the way you looked when I got you something, that you didn't really like - you always pretended very well though, like a good brother should ;) Thank you for that Brother. I love you so much. Thank you for always ALWAYS loving me back, whether I was right or wrong. So I gotta tell you, Amil and I shopped and shopped for Niecey. Don't worry, we got her lots of goodies for her 1st Christmas. Oh, and she loved them! We got to skype her and she was having so much fun with her toys. She looks JUST like you babe. You would really have gotten a kick out of how much she looks like you. I can just hear you teasing Alex now! (smile). Sonya, is truly a duplicate of you. Her eyes light up like yours, when she smiles. It makes you want to keep a smile on her precious little face...
side note: We arrived in Canada (more on that later), on Christmas Day. As much as it is great to be around family, it's HARD too. To see other parts of our families that are still whole and intact, only highlights the fact that you and Mommy are gone. I feel totally out of place. I see now, more than ever, why the holiday season is so hard for so many. Many nights, my prayer was and still is
Psalm 69:1-3:
1 Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the floods overflow me.
3 I am weary with my crying;
My throat is dry;
My eyes fail while I wait for my God.
Still, I wait...Two weeks ago, was New Year's Eve/Day. I was in bed and asleep by 8pm. Again, not in a celebratory mood. Brother, as I said my prayers that night, a part of me hoped that when I went to sleep, instead of waking to a New Year, I'd wake to Jesus coming back, that that night would be the night, the world would end as we know it, and I'd be reunited with you and mommy. Niecey could walk, and maybe even run into your arms (That's right, James, your baby girl is WALKING now!!) - if I didn't beat her to it. (smile). That happiness could be restored in our hearts. As you can see, I'm writing this today, January 14, 2011, so my prayer was not answered (just yet). I'm still here - missing you. "Missing" is such a weak word. I am still here - yearning for you, craving you, pining after you, mourning...
Brother, you were the glue. You kept us all together. Now, Alex and Niecey are in Georgia, and Amil and I are in Canada. Yes, Canada. See. I told you I'm taking it badly. (smile). I can't speak for Alex, although she did tell me Las Vegas was You to her. Everything there, everyone there, was YOU. It was hard for her to be there without you, so she moved to Georgia to stay with her Aunt. So far it seems to have done both of them some good. I am hoping HOPING to go and visit them for Niecey's 1st birthday next month. I really want to bring Amil with me too, so I am hoping and praying that I will be able to save enough to get both of our tickets. If so, Brother, you know I will be there. The move took alot out of me. I didn't have my Brother there to help me. You always have been there to help me move - and to bang up my stuff in the process!! (smile). Your presence was surely missed. Moving day was horrible. I crumbled a few times that day. Every box that I packed was like saying "goodbye" to you all over again.
So today finds us, somewhat scattered. We miss The Glue. Amil and I are settled in Canada. We're staying at Granny's. Amil has started school. She likes it here. That makes me glad. I don't know yet how I feel, I'm not sure my physical location makes much of a difference. Although, I will say, that in the moments when my grief and pain completely over take me, I am grateful to be able to retreat and know that Granny and the rest of the fam are here, able and willing to fill in for me with Amil. This way my tears and pain are not reserved only for the wee hours of the night, when Amil is fast asleep, as was the case in Vegas. I start work tomorrow babe. I'll be working at a clinic here, it's similar to where I was before. I'll tell you more about it later. In the meantime, I PRAY TO GOD, that your spirit is at peace, and if at all possible, you and Mommy are together, waiting for the day we can all be together again. I can't wait to hug you both.
Loving you hard FOREVER and ALWAYS,
Your Sister.
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