I dread going to sleep, because it hurts when I wake up.

It's been 2 days since we lost my brother. I dread going to sleep at night because I hate to wake up to the realization that James is gone. It hits me like a brick in my chest. I try to think of anything else. I try to distract myself from that painful reality, but then I feel like I am being unfaithful to my brother. When asked to eat, I immediately think of the fact that my baby brother will never eat again.... when I look at my daughter, I can't help but think that James will never get to see his daughter again, all the moments in her life that he will not be present for... When I think of leaving my house and I realize James will never again feel the sun on his skin... When I think of doing anything, I feel that it is beyond unfair. I know "they" say, "life must go on." But I feel like it's a betrayal to my brother to go on with life as if it is okay to me that he isn't here to live with me. I feel like it would be absurd to smile or to laugh. The only thing I know, is that I miss my brother. I miss his bright smile... his little chuckle laugh... I miss his jokes (that sometimes only made him laugh, lol)... I miss his love and unending support... I miss all of him.